LOEB: How to Destroy the Death Star or whatever

It’s that time again – the League has sent out a prompt, which is: Write a step-by-step guide on how to do something. This could be a real world project or a fantastical one, so do with it as you will.

Now I’m going to cheat and pull something from my personal archives. Below is a paper I wrote for my tenth grade composition class. (I think it’s tenth grade anyway, even if it’s not that hardly matters). I remembered really liking the project, it was a lot more fun then the straight laced formal how-tos (even though I wrote mine on making a PB&J) we had to write before we could write our creative ones. So without further ado

Someday My Frog Will Come.

Many of us have read the fairy tales about the handsome prince who always saves the damsel in distress.  You may have caught yourself wishing a prince would come and save you from your chores or homework.  Why wait for him to come to you when you can find him yourself?  I know it may seem silly to go look for a prince.  Don’t be absurd.  All you really need is a frog.  In short, to get your prince, all you need to do is find a frog, smooch it, and presto-chango, there he is.

Don’t get me wrong; finding a frog could prove to be very tricky. What you need first is bait; flies would be the ideal choice. To catch some, I’d suggest going fly fishing. No matter how you acquire your flies, you’re going to have problems with them.  Flies, as you may have experienced, are extremely stubborn and have some major attitude problems. You’ll need to establish dominance, similar to training a dog.  So after you have them on leashes, (that’s the best way to keep them in check) you should torch a few. Burning them is much easier than fitting muzzles on to them.  Using a lighter works well because the stench will linger and remind the rest of the flies of their fallen friends. Also, if you spit on the carcasses, it will help reinforce the statement that you don’t care about the flies. Their attitude will change to terrorized obedience. It may be tempting to overlook the importance of flies in frog catching. However, a friend of mine didn’t think she needed flies, and the frog ate her instead. True, she had bug eyes, but she didn’t deserve to be eaten for her oversight.

The next step in the quest for your prince is to locate a frog. With your bait it will be super easy. The best places to look are; near a pond, in a swamp, in a rain forest, and in your local biology classroom. The key is finding somewhere wet, or at least damp.  You may be wondering how you will know which frog to pick.  I have some helpful hints on how to chose your perfect frog. [My editor has mentioned these may be a little hard to follow. To alleviate this concern, I have described the process in detail in my companion text entitled Picking Your Frog: Friend or Foe?] You may see some frogs hopping about with their noses high in the air. Don’t pick them.  When they turn into princes, they will be extremely snobby, and you don’t want a snobby prince.  When a frog comes up to you, offer him a fly.  If he sticks around after he is done eating there is a good chance that the frog is interested in you, which, let’s be honest, is an essential quality in any relationship.  If your luck isn’t so good and no frogs hop up to you, approach one that looks inquisitive.  No matter which frog you select, you should give them all flies.  When they change into royalty, they will remember the meal they received from you and will repay you.

After you have chosen the frog you wish to turn into a prince, you need to prepare to kiss it. Once a friend thought she could just kiss it, and when the frog turned into royalty, it turned into the descendent of the tyrant Czar Nicholas II. So, obviously, these next steps are key. Missing even one will change the outcome. For this process, you’ll need lip balm, a washcloth, and a toothbrush with toothpaste. First, put on some lip balm. You need it to prevent one or more of three side effects. They are that he will want his castle damp or near a swamp, he will still eat flies, and you will sprout wings.  Then use the washcloth to wipe off the frog’s head. You will be kissing the frog on the top of the head, not on the mouth. Rosie, a friend, tried kissing the frog on the mouth, and the frog swelled to the size of a house. In her defense, it was the cutest frog I’ve ever seen. Then brush your teeth. You won’t want a nasty taste in your mouth while talking to your newly transformed prince. Exposing the prince to his past self so soon after transformation can cause lasting damages, such as the inability to break him of his amphibious tendencies.

Finally, wait 15 to 30 seconds for your frog to transform. You may think, “Great.  At last I get my own prince.” I don’t mean to burst the beautifully bright bubble of the vision of your masterful wedding. I’m sure it’s exquisite, with angels dropping flower petals from above, but let’s get back to reality. You will need to make a good impression on your future husband. A healthy relationship will make it so much easier to correct his natural tendencies into practices that are more becoming of royalty. You will have to train him to stop stalking all the flies in the castle, and not to croak when surprised or frightened. For tips (on surviving the aftermath of the wedding) consider purchasing my sequel, When Your Prince Makes You Want To Croak.

Perhaps if I have time later in the week I’ll plot out how to destroy the death star, but for now this will have to be it. If you’d like to see a brilliant way to destroy the death star and get a cup of joe at the same time check out Primordial Badger’s post on the subject. Both Spaceman Star and Crooked Ninja have their own plans to destroy the deathstar as well. For other how to’s (ones that follow my heart) Learn about books/reading with Adamotomy, cooking poptarts with Monster Cafe or Proving fabled creatures exist with Green Plastic. For a complete list of entries head over to the League’s main post.

That’s all for today but stay tuned for my review of a corn maze. Until then ~ Q

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